Friday, May 1, 2009

even designers get the blues...

I would LOVE it if this post were about the awesome shades of blue and decorating in that fabulous hue... but it's really about being down in the dumps. And today, unfortunately, I am definitely down in the dumps.

The purpose of this blog, initially, was for my decorating & organizing business, but I'm catching myself wanting to share more of myself here than I "should" professionally. As a result, I dismiss posting because I don't want to lose focus of what I intended when I started this blog. However, today especially, I'm dismissing my rule and sharing some of "me" here.

I should probably clarify that I'm not down in the dumps just today... I have been down all week. It started Monday when I realized, after an incredibly busy weekend, that I was way-behind on tasks. That did not depress me - it actually excited me! It gave me some great material to share here about falling behind, recovering from the unexpected and getting re-motivated. I even took pictures of my own personal chaos to drive the point home...

But then something happened... something went wrong at work, which brought me down because I wish I wasn't working here, which got me thinking about why I am here and what I wish I was doing, and then instead of bouncing back, which I usually do in these circumstances, my sadness has just continued to build. So here I am, five days later, and gloomy as all-get-out...

By the way, what exactly does "all-get-out" actually mean? Oh, but I digress so disregard...

Yes, the gloom has mounted. Emotional overload because of the behind-tasks at home, tensions are mounting and chaos abounds! Work has been no better... a busy week, unfortunate circumstances, a rift between co-workers, upper management's uninvited involved and now, an increased misunderstanding, and, frankly, I'm just pouting. I'm over it.

What I need is a refocus session, and to steer clear of the troublemakers. Because altho I wish I wasn't working here, I do appreciate having the job. In this economy, a job one someone else's dime is a luxury. Yes, I have taken the easy route to muddle thru these tough times. Someone else is coordinating insurance and taxes. My base salary is guaranteed. I have a busy schedule and don't have to seek out clients. A cop-out? Gosh, it feels like it sometimes. Until I hear someone in this industry talk about their struggles and then I count my blessings.

Not dedicating a focus to my own business full-time is only temporary, I hope. As difficult as it is to admit, hiring an organizer or a decorater right now isn't how many people are prioritizing their descretionary income. This way, I'm working in the industry, keeping current, contributing to our family while learning different things and, hopefully, expanding my resume to include responsibilities and experiences I wouldn't gain otherwise. So, it's all good!

Then why do I feel so bad?

The economy, for one, does get me down. But as I said, I then count my blessings. Unfortunately, when things go wrong at work, I worry about being able to stay on here, and that gets me down. And when things are just difficult I catch myself wondering, "Why?" Why am I here instead of in my own office at home? Why am I setting up the laptop at the kitchen counter so I can carry on after I've turned off the lights & pulled out of the parking lot? Why am I answering my phone at 3p when my son calls to tell me he got home OK instead of greeting him at the door in person???

Why???

Because. Because life has thrown me a curve ball and my choice was to swing at it in hopes of hitting a homer or to stand still and watch it zoom past. This time I chose to swing at it. I made a connection but it hasn't quite been a homer. It's a double, perhaps. And a double is pretty good. I can live with that.

Now just to make it to home.

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